Van Helsing
May 9, 2004Grade: D
Until now, there had been only one movie where I seriously contemplated walking out after the first five minutes–Last Action Hero. Finally a second movie has earned that dishonor–the mess called Van Helsing. The only reason Van Helsing didn’t get an F was because some, and I mean only some, of the special effects were decent.
Where to begin–first off, this movie doesn’t know what the hell it’s going to be. It starts off semi-comedic where Van Helsing (played by Hugh Jackman) is trying to arrest Dr. Jekyll on behalf of the religious order for which Van Helsing works. I say semi-comedic because you’re never sure if you’re supposed to laugh or not at some of the gruesome effects, like the one where Van Helsing shoots an anchor line thru Dr. Jekyll’s torso but Jekyll survives and nearly kills Van Helsing in the ensuing carnage.
Then the film descends into parody, as we learn more about Van Helsing’s bosses at the Vatican, in a scene that’s a direct medieval ripoff of every James Bond flick where Q is showing off the latest gadgets. And then the film gets really weird–Van Helsing is sent to Transylvania to hunt down the immortal Dracula, who is using wolfmen to try and hunt down Frankenstein’s monster, whom Dracula needs for his own experiments in bringing the dead to life.
The plot is a mess, the acting is a mess, the fake and vaguely European accents of the vampires are a mess, and some of the special effects are just comical. I can’t believe they spent a reported $150 million on this loser.
Save your time and your money–don’t go see this film, unless you’re a voyeur who likes to see train wrecks.
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